Thursday, October 11, 2012

One Year.

((Crossposted to Project Runaway and Eventing-A-Gogo))

I am struggling to find the words to begin this post. I've been sitting in front of the computer for a listless hour, unable to find a good place to start, so I suppose I'll just launch into it bluntly: today is the one year anniversary of Gogo's death. There, I have a start... perhaps now the words will come more freely. I feel very much like I've been stoppered up for the past year. When she died, the poetry just went clean out of me. 

I'm not entirely sure of where the past year has gone. It seems like October 11th of last year was such a long time ago, but I can't hardly remember what has happened in the past year to make it so distant. Twelve months into this grieving process, I don't feel better and I don't feel like myself still, but it has taken this long for me to realize that I am not the same without her, and life is not, and will never be, the same either. It isn't that life is now somehow less or is badly off, because it isn't. It's just completely different, without anything else actually having changed. I am still with Future Hubs, I still have all the same critters, still have the same job, still living here in Texas. Those things are all as wonderful as they have been. It is just me that is different... I am not the same as I was. Losing Gogo was a bit like someone forcefully cutting me in half and tossing one half of me back out into the world to keep going. It is very confusing trying to relearn how to live your life when half of everything you value and love is suddenly gone one day. You can prepare for it, if you know it is coming. You can ready yourself, steel yourself, prepare to lose it, surround yourself with loved ones, or push them all away just the same. It doesn't matter what you do, because you won't know how it really feels until it happens. Then, and only then, will you realize just how thoroughly unprepared you were to live on through unthinkable tragedy.

I know it sounds extreme. Honestly, just putting it out in writing sounds like I survived a war instead of just lost a horse. But those of you with horses in your life - probably most or all of you, I am assuming - know how much they affect you, and those of you who have lost them will understand. To those who haven't yet, I don't wish it upon you, but that day will come. On that day, you too will stand with me and feel that horror and pain and sorrow, and will still know in your heart that life is better having had and lost them rather than never having known them at all. But you'll never be the same again.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of her. Hardly a week passes when some memory, picture, or video doesn't make me sob like a baby or ache with sorrow. How could they not, when so much of my life revolved around her? She defined me as a young adult, molded and changed and shaped me into the person I am today, and her loss affected me just as hard as her life did. I am different now, and I will never be the same.

Having Pangea and Imogen in my post-Gogo life has been a very strange, exciting, sad, and wonderful journey. It has really only been in the past month that I have actually started to feel better and more at peace with Gogo's loss, and that is all thanks to working with Imogen. I love and cherish P, and am so glad to have her in my life, but she is happiest when left to her own devices. She likes me well enough, I am sure, but she'd rather be left alone, and we haven't bonded in the strong and inseparable way that Gogo and I had. Imogen and I, on the other hand, bonded immediately and very hard, and we have our own dynamic that is very different from the one she shares with every other horse and human in her life. Something about working with her and the promise of giving her a brand new life is incredibly healing to the heart. Pangea has never known anything except for a life of cookies and love at best, and a big field with giant mounds of hay and no humans to bother her except for regular maintenance at worst. Imogen has known cruelty and pain, and to see her look at me with trust and love, and choose to seek me out over spending time at her haypile with her friends, is truly rewarding. This, more than anything, has kick started me onto the healing track. Life truly works in strange ways, and I'm not sure I'll ever be old or wise enough to understand them.

I'm still hurting. I'm still sad. I'm still not sure that I'll ever really be at peace with what happened. But I am grateful for every moment of the five years I had with her, and she will always be in my heart. 

A moment of silence now for Gogo, who took her last breath at 4:15pm last year.

There simply are not words for how badly she is missed. I love you, Gogomare.


  1. Tremendously sorry for your loss, she was simply irreplaceable. Much love to you. Loving seeing the progress with P and I! Thank you for your continued blogging <3

  2. In about an hour and a half it will be 4:15 in Portland and I will have a moment of silence for Gogo in honor of you. I want to say so many things, but please know that you have love and support from your friendly acquaintance, Eryn Pony D, and I am so grateful to be a part of your life, even if it is just Facebook and reading about P and Imogen. We are thinking about you and G lady today! <3

  3. I cannot believe it's been a year already :(

  4. I stumbled upon Eventing-A-GoGo sometime early last year, and read it all - within a day. The two of you were magnificent. In this post you said, "When she died, the poetry just went clean out of me." but this post was exceptionally poetic, and ultimately heartbreakingly sad. Maybe you didn't lose the poetry, maybe the tone and the topic just changed with your emotions? Life sure is hard sometimes, isn't it?

    I wish you all the best, I am so sorry for your loss, and still love to read your posts about P and Imogen!

  5. RIP Gogo - her star shone bright.

  6. You moved beautifully together. Anyone who has truly bonded with an animal will understand what you are feeling. You are not alone {hugs}.

  7. It's been a year and a half and then some since I said goodbye to my best critter friend. It still hurts just as much, so I get it. Worst part is, I'm in danger of having to go through it with my human half. So I really get it. I have learned that we only get one minute -- one minute of life and happy, and if we're really lucky we get another minute after that. So I live my minutes as best I can and I wish the same for you.

  8. So sorry Andrea :( I'm still dreading the day when I have to say goodbye to my old mare (she's 26) and I'm sure I will never be the same again, just like you. Try to find comfort in knowing that you gave her best life possible and she is up in a big green pasture somewhere galloping around and thanking her brave mommy for being selfless enough to end her suffering. It is one of the greatest acts of selflessness and kindness to let our beloved animals be free of pain when the time comes.

  9. Hugs! I am a newer follower but can't even imagine what it was like to lose your best friend. Such an amazing relationship and bond you had/have with her!

    I truly think that she sent you Imogen ;)

  10. I just wanted to comment quickly. I said something similar last year - if it had not been for you and Gogo I never would have thought that my boy could go barefoot. He has had his shoes pulled for over a year and has never been sounder. His whole body has changed and our partnership has changed now that he is pain free.

    Thank you.

    I hope your connections to Imogen continue to build a better relationship and that you continue to inspire others.


  11. I'm so sorry Andrea. I know how much it hurts. (((hugs)))